Hello readers, I hope your New Year is going well so far. Now, todays post is being written somewhat subjectively. I normally try to avoid these types of posts but I want you to not only learn by me but through me.
Here are my thoughts to add for our relationship New Year resolutions for 2011.
1. Give them a warning. Sit your boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, spouse whoever it may be, and explain to them what your feelings are how you are feeling, why you are feeling that way and what needs to change in order for you to not bail.
I will give you an example:
(a) I know someone who is in a long-term relationship. She recently came to me explaining how much she loves him, but he just does not listen to her. She went on to explain that she has to SELL every single thought or idea he has, and that it has become both mentally and physically exhausting. She has had to bail him out of multiple situations, and if he would have asked or listened to her in the first place he would not have been in the situation and she would not have had to waste her time bailing him out of it. What I told her to do is sit him and tell him those feelings and tell him that she is done selling things to him and bailing him out. That he needs to listen and pay attention because anything she tells him or advises him on is for his best interest. He agreed to do so, as he always does she says. I talked to her later this afternoon actually. She called me up crying and I asked what was wrong. She explained that she was taking him to work and she had asked him to do what a memo told him to do and he started telling her to shut up, cursing at her and blaming her for an argument. She said that she is more than sick of it and he could not even last 24 hours from his promise to her last night.
So what should she do next?
2. I advised my friend to take a 24 hour break of no contact with her boyfriend. Take 24 hours, treat herself to a relaxing evening of not needing to sell anything. I told her to write a note explaining what the 24 hour break was for and to just get a good sleep. When we take breaks from our loved ones it is extremely hard to follow through. I know this. I experience this. I get this. But, this break is necessary because if they don't think you are serious they will just keep apologizing and make empty promises.
3. After your 24 hour break go about the relationship without asking your partner to apologize. He or she should do it on their own and sorry does not cut it. There better be an explanation.
4. If he or she continues the behavior say that you have decided that you want the opportunity to see other people for a 14 day period. They will make arguments saying they should be able to see other people too, and let them. If a relationship is to work, you must work through it, not fear for it to end. But, to be honest with you they should not threaten you with seeing other people too, if they really love you they should probably beg you not too and straighten up the poor excuse for the act they have been behaving. Make sure that you go out on at least one real date during your 14 day open relationship. Explore, be open and let your loved one know that things have got to change.
5. After the 14 day period if behaviors and arguments are still the same my advice is to consider breaking it off or accept it for what it is. But as your dating coach, the behaviors such as my friend's boyfriend are not acceptable.
Relationship are about working as a team. We do not work for each other. The last thing that a person should be doing is selling ideas to their loved one. You should not have to constantly wonder if your partner is doing what is best for them and you. I know this is a downer post but I think it is important for all of you to know that you are not alone. Other people are going through this and you just need to take your relationship and make it work for you. We can't live unhappy because our loved ones are stubborn. If it is emotionally and physically draining and the relationship is making you not enjoy life as you should be I encourage to to try my 5 step program above in pursuit to staying true to your new year resolution relationship wise.
TOMORROW, I will do a post on Don't Date 'em to Change 'em. Its a good one and one of the biggest mistakes people make when they start dating. Stay tuned.
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